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How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

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How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Jack_Scaff on Thu Aug 25, 2011 10:44 am

So I'm not fast, and becoming even more not fast, actually rather rapidly . But I am faster than my wife by maybe +/- 2 MPM.



We have begun running together a little more often, and did 8 miles yesterday AM. It was great. It was an easy day for me and she is ramping up her mid-week miles. We probably averaged 10:45 - no big deal on the pace, just good to be out with Julie, and I felt fantastic this AM for some speed work.



However, we are running Portland in OCT and I will probably go with her as I know I won't be where I want to be to shoot for a decent time. She has it stuck in her head that she can't do much better than a 5 hour marathon (PR of 4:53 I think) and does not want to even consider running much faster. Forget about talking 4:30 - asking if she thought she could do 4:50 was like pulling teeth.



I know she can be a little quicker if she did 2 things - believe that she could be faster and then try to be faster. But do I keep after her and irritate her, or do I just let her be?


Last edited by Jack_Scaff on Thu Aug 25, 2011 12:45 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Jerry on Thu Aug 25, 2011 10:49 am

When is this about what you think, believe or want? lol!
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Nick Morris on Thu Aug 25, 2011 10:52 am

I think what would help is if you wore the watch and she didn't and just ran at your pace. Then you can run a little faster than her comfort zone without her knowing how fast you are running. When you have completed the run, you can tell her the pace and maybe that will help her with her confidence.
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Julie on Thu Aug 25, 2011 10:53 am

Just let her do what she wants. My husband is naturally faster than I am without training and it has been a point of conflict at times and can get on my nerves when I work really hard and he makes it look so easy.

Maybe just say you think she could run faster if she wanted to push it but either way you support her and hope she has a good race.

I would rather not have my husband bug me about my pace (even if you're not bugging her, it's easy to feel that way, I think) and just be happy with each other. If she specifically asks you for running help, then go ahead.
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Jeff F on Thu Aug 25, 2011 11:17 am

@Julie wrote:Just let her do what she wants. My husband is naturally faster than I am without training and it has been a point of conflict at times and can get on my nerves when I work really hard and he makes it look so easy.

Maybe just say you think she could run faster if she wanted to push it but either way you support her and hope she has a good race.

I would rather not have my husband bug me about my pace (even if you're not bugging her, it's easy to feel that way, I think) and just be happy with each other. If she specifically asks you for running help, then go ahead.



+1 - My wife is not a runner, but if she was I would follow Julie's very wise advice.
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Dave-O on Thu Aug 25, 2011 11:23 am

We all run for different reasons. If she doesn't want to run faster, so be it.
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Jack_Scaff on Thu Aug 25, 2011 11:45 am

Interesting responses, Julie I appreciate the Venus side of it...Nick, I guess you lose (although that is what I have thought about doing in the past).



It's worth mentioning that she also thought years ago she couldn't run...then it was she would never be able to do a marathon...so she's been able to get over her internal objections before.



As Dave says...we all run for different reasons (and I'm still wondering what mine is).
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Admin on Thu Aug 25, 2011 12:15 pm

@Jack_Scaff wrote:

I know she can be a little quicker if she did 2 things - believe that she could be faster and then try to be faster. But do I keep after her and irritate her, or do I just let her be?



Let's make sure I get this right...



You have resigned yourself to getting slower and seem to lack any motivation to improve, yet you would like to place that expectation of improvement on your wife?



Wow. Ok, then. There you have it.



Shocked

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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  jon c on Thu Aug 25, 2011 12:34 pm

The title of the thread says it all.



"How to MAKE your spouse run faster."



Maybe it's just me, but anytime I have felt that another person wants to MAKE me do something, no matter what it is, I will fight it tooth and nail. Even if they are "right" in doing so.



The only person I can MAKE do anything is myself. Period.



So, good luck!



Hope this answer is not offensive, but it is direct and it is how I feel about the topic.
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Jack_Scaff on Thu Aug 25, 2011 12:44 pm

@Mr MattM wrote:
@Jack_Scaff wrote:

I know she can be a little quicker if she did 2 things - believe that she could be faster and then try to be faster. But do I keep after her and irritate her, or do I just let her be?



Let's make sure I get this right...



You have resigned yourself to getting slower and seem to lack any motivation to improve, yet you would like to place that expectation of improvement on your wife?



Wow. Ok, then. There you have it.



Shocked



Ironic, eh?



I do my "I'm getting slower" rants as semi-toungue-in-cheek. I hope to have another shot at a PR, just not now.



I've also tried, very hard, for several years (really just post CHI 2010 have I gotten into my funk) to improve. Ever since my first adult marathon I've had the intention of getting faster and trained for that goal. More often than not I failed, but I did have some success along the way. The motivation HAS been there, just not right now.



I just wonder if it is worth encouraging her to try to get run faster.



No offense, Jon C. I obviously need to choose my words better. Of course I can't MAKE her faster.


Last edited by Jack_Scaff on Thu Aug 25, 2011 12:49 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  jon c on Thu Aug 25, 2011 12:48 pm

@Jack_Scaff wrote:
@Mr MattM wrote:
@Jack_Scaff wrote:

I know she can be a little quicker if she did 2 things - believe that she could be faster and then try to be faster. But do I keep after her and irritate her, or do I just let her be?



Let's make sure I get this right...



You have resigned yourself to getting slower and seem to lack any motivation to improve, yet you would like to place that expectation of improvement on your wife?



Wow. Ok, then. There you have it.



Shocked



Ironic, eh?



I do my "I'm getting slower" rants as semi-toungue-in-cheek. I hope to have another shot at a PR, just not now.



I've also tried, very hard, for several years (really just post CHI 2010 have I gotten into my funk) to improve. Ever since my first adult marathon I've had the intention of getting faster and trained for that goal. More often than not I failed, but I did have some success along the way. The motivation HAS been there, just not right now.



I just wonder if it is worth encouraging her to try to get run faster.



No offense, Jon C. I obviosuly need to choose my words better. Of course I can't MAKE her faster.



Thanks Jack! I do know people who think they actually can make people do things. Some do it manipulatively and that's not a healthy thing for anyone. Why not just enjoy the process of running with your spouse? I wish Connie was a runner, but that's not her thing at this point in her life and I need to respect that. I think it's great that you all are able to share the process together. Let her be the initiator of any faster paces and go from there. Only my opinion of course.
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Admin on Thu Aug 25, 2011 12:54 pm

@Jack_Scaff wrote:

I just wonder if it is worth encouraging her to try to get run faster.





Just let her run in whatever manner makes her happy. Encourgement is what you do to support someone in THEIR pursuit(s). This is YOUR expectation, so it isn't encouragement. You had it right the first time... you want to MAKE your wife run faster.



It's a pity you can't just be happy and thankful that she is running and enjoying an active lifestyle.

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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Jack_Scaff on Thu Aug 25, 2011 12:55 pm

@jon c wrote:I think it's great that you all are able to share the process together. Let her be the initiator of any faster paces and go from there. Only my opinion of course.



I guess that is the point - we do enjoy the runs together, regardless of pace. Running and finishing HNL together was fantastic. And I did push her a bit. And she got irritated over the course of the 26.2. But at the end of the day, she accomplished her goal of breaking 5 hours on a hot and humid day.
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Jack_Scaff on Thu Aug 25, 2011 1:11 pm

@Mr MattM wrote:You had it right the first time... you want to MAKE your wife run faster.

It's a pity you can't just be happy and thankful that she is running and enjoying an active lifestyle.



Matt - I fully admit that I chose my words poorly. It wouldn't be the first time on the net, or in person for that matter. And are there selfish reason that I would want my wife to be faster? Yes.

Do I also want her to be faster because I think she could be? Yes.



Is that selfish too? Maybe...but my wife sets expectations for me when I have doubts, and we both do it for our kids. And it isn't because we want to MAKE anyone else a faster runner, faster swimmer, better guitar player, better student, better basketball player etc. per se. I do think it is OK to have high expectations of others and yourself - and I don't think that's selfish (regardless of what I say about how fat and slow I am).



But that last comment - Do you honestly think I'm not thankful she is running and enjoying an active lifestyle? Really? I'm certainly not THAT despicable.



Regardless, at the end of the day, the point is taken. No MAKING. More ENCOURAGING. And I'll make sure to share the thread with the wife. I'll see if I can MAKE her respond.
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Jim Lentz on Thu Aug 25, 2011 1:18 pm

My wife could run a marathon, but she prefers half marathons. She did decide to do the Pikes Peak Ascent with me. She is now focusing more on triathlons, but we still run together at times. We are running a half marathon this weekend together in Batavia Ill at her pace. I would just run with your wife and if she has interest at some point in getting faster she will let you know. Enjoy running with her when you can.
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Admin on Thu Aug 25, 2011 1:20 pm

Again, encouragement is what you offer someone in support of THEIR goals, not yours.



Example:



DW: Honey, I've been wishing I could run faster, but I just don't think I've got it in me.

DH: Of course you do! It just takes a little more focused effort, that's all. You've got lots of potential if you want to pursue it.



Negative Example:



DH: Honey, I think you could run faster if you tried.

DW: No, I don't think so. I think I'm running about as fast as I can (or want to).

DH: Don't you want to get faster?

DW: I guess, but I really don't think I can.



You keep saying you want to ENCOURAGE her to run faster. When it's something to satisfy YOUR wants/desires, it's called manipulation. Every time you bring up wanting her to run faster, you are simultaneously implying that she's not good enough doing what she's doing.



It's just my opinion based on the scenario you've laid out. You clearly are not satisfied with your wife's running or you wouldn't be posting the intial question and continuing to defend it.

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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  healdgator on Thu Aug 25, 2011 1:20 pm

A lot of people commenting on the motivation and purpose without offering any rational solutions, so here's one:

Run through some neighborhoods with some really mean dogs, or maybe some known gang violence. Also, you could carry a cattle prod.
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Jerry on Thu Aug 25, 2011 1:31 pm

Fast or slow is relative. So Jack, if you drink more .......
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Jack_Scaff on Thu Aug 25, 2011 1:38 pm

@Mr MattM wrote:It's just my opinion based on the scenario you've laid out. You clearly are not satisfied with your wife's running or you wouldn't be posting the intial question and continuing to defend it.



You've made some good points Matt, and I appreciate them - it has encouraged some introspection. I'm first to admit that I am far from the most thoughtful husband in the world



I'm not defending my question - but I will defend myself when someone says "it is a pity that I don't enjoy running with my wife and am simply not happy that she is living a healthy lifestyle" because that is flat out wrong, period. You can choose to believe that or not.
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Admin on Thu Aug 25, 2011 1:53 pm

@Jack_Scaff wrote:I will defend myself when someone says "it is a pity that I don't enjoy running with my wife and am simply not happy that she is living a healthy lifestyle" because that is flat out wrong, period. You can choose to believe that or not.

What I said was "It's a pity you can't just be happy and thankful that she is running and enjoying an active lifestyle." I never said you don't enjoy running with her, or that you're not happy she's living a healthy lifestyle. I'm saying that, for whatever reason, that's not enough for you.

You clearly aren't content with your wife's running and want to change it. That's the whole point of this thread, isn't it? Whether you use words like 'make' or 'encourage' aren't really the issue. The issue is what's driving your desire to see your wife improve her running times, when she seems uninterested in doing so... that's pretty much it from my perspective.

I don't pretend to claim any high ground on being a good spouse, son, brother, etc... and it's not a judgement of good/bad, right/wrong... it's simply a situation that deserves thoughtful consideration.

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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Jack_Scaff on Thu Aug 25, 2011 2:01 pm

@Mr MattM wrote:
@Jack_Scaff wrote:I will defend myself when someone says "it is a pity that I don't enjoy running with my wife and am simply not happy that she is living a healthy lifestyle" because that is flat out wrong, period. You can choose to believe that or not.

What I said was "It's a pity you can't just be happy and thankful that she is running and enjoying an active lifestyle." I never said you don't enjoy running with her, or that you're not happy she's living a healthy lifestyle. I'm saying that, for whatever reason, that's not enough for you.

You clearly aren't content with your wife's running and want to change it. That's the whole point of this thread, isn't it? Whether you use words like 'make' or 'encourage' aren't really the issue. The issue is what's driving your desire to see your wife improve her running times, when she seems uninterested in doing so... that's pretty much it from my perspective.

I don't pretend to claim any high ground on being a good spouse, son, brother, etc... and it's not a judgement of good/bad, right/wrong... it's simply a situation that deserves thoughtful consideration.



Fair enough, Matt. We've beat this thing into the ground.



At the end of the day, you did encourage me reevaluate my whole attitude, thoughtful consideration as you say. And that is always good.



And I guess at some level I don't want to admit to what you are saying. While I think the word "clearly" may be a little strong, but that's neither here nor there. It's hard to for me to believe (or I "don't want to" believe might better describe it) that I'm not content.



Dr. Phil you are.
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  dot520 on Thu Aug 25, 2011 2:20 pm

Okay, I simply must chime in here. I'll tell you what works for me and maybe your wife will be the same, who knows.



If someone just drilled into me that I needed to be faster so that I could keep up with them and run races with them at their pace...I'd tell them where to go. However, if it's done in such a way that has ME THINKING that I CAN be faster because I HAVE potential, that's a whole nother story. No lectures, just comments now and again....This shows how truly gullible I can be. LOL



After an LSD - "Can't believe that you kept that pace up straight to the end...hey, you even had a negative split. You're definitely getting faster"



After an LSD 3/1- "How did you feel in those last miles running at pace?" If I say that I felt good, then "You're definitely getting faster. You might just surprise yourself on race day"



blah, blah, blah....eventually, I start paying more attention and I try to get faster. Fast is relative...I'm still in the middle/back of the pack but not nearly as slow as I could be or WANT to be.



If Gene ever said that he wanted to start walking (he won't be able to run due to prior injuries etc), I would jump at the chance to participate in an event with him at HIS speed even if it was a 20 minute mile. I would be beyond thrilled to be with him.


Enjoy your time together regardless of the time. You're in an enviable place.
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Julie on Thu Aug 25, 2011 2:33 pm

OK so I already responded and just wanted to add, if I did want to get faster, I wouldn't ask my husband anyway. I have running friends to help me and maybe it's just me and him but I really don't want to have the opportunity to get crabby at him if my running isn't going right or if he gave me advice that didn't pan out, or whatever.

So I think you have plenty of feedback here, but I think just let her do what she wants and even if she did want running advice, maybe direct her to another running friend just to avoid a sticky situation with runner coach/husband. (although I do know couples who pull it off quite well, I just know it wouldn't be the best thing for my marriage).
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Jack_Scaff on Thu Aug 25, 2011 2:54 pm

@dot520 wrote:
If someone just drilled into me that I needed to be faster so that I could keep up with them and run races with them at their pace...I'd tell them where to go. However, if it's done in such a way that has ME THINKING that I CAN be faster because I HAVE potential, that's a whole nother story. No lectures, just comments now and again....This shows how truly gullible I can be. LOL
Enjoy your time together regardless of the time. You're in an enviable place.



That's the point I got from Matt's lecture. And more importanly, I do enjoy the time. As does she. For now!

@Julie wrote:I have running friends to help me and maybe it's just me and him but I really don't want to have the opportunity to get crabby at him if my running isn't going right or if he gave me advice that didn't pan out, or whatever.



Well said - like I said earlier, Mars v Venus 101. And I KNOW, even after 14 years of marriage, I have much to learn.
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Re: How to ENCOURAGE your spouse run faster?

Post  Michele "1L" Keane on Thu Aug 25, 2011 2:56 pm

All I can say is that it sounds like fun to hav a running spouse.
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